Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Gimme Dat Rose: The Bachelorette Recap // Season 12, Episode 5

We start the episode to all of the guys cheers-ing to the fact that Chad is gone and all of a sudden I'm having Wizard of Oz flashbacks "ding dong, the witch is dead...". We are almost there because apparently James Taylor even wrote a song about it. Wells starts to speak and I joke that it's like they are having a funeral for Chad and then... oh... wait... this is a funeral for Chad using his protein "ashes". I'd like to give a slow clap to whoever came up with that.

But what's that... a knock at the door? Oh, it's Chad, no one saw that coming. Of course his boyfriend Daniel answers and starts chatting to him (while eating a bowl of cereal I'm pretty sure) like NOTHING HAPPENED. I'm not sure if Daniel is trying to play it cool or if he is just that dumb and really has no idea what happened or what a two-on-one date is because... you know... math. Jordan decides to be the bigger man and apologize if there had been any unnecessary beef between them and gave Chad the perfect opportunity to just make amends and leave things on a better note. Does it take the opportunity? Of course not. Evan... relax about the fricken shirt dude. If you are that hard up for a t-shirt maybe you should be back at your penis job instead of on some reality show. (Also, if you haven't seen this Go Fund Me page for Evans shirt, it's hilarious.)

Alex gets the warmest welcome I have ever seen after a two-on-one date. The other guys start chanting "Dragon Slayer". They even got a cake and sparklers!? But like... what if it was Chad that came back?

Cocktail Party

JoJo's cocktail party attire... YAS QUEEN. Chase finally shows a little personality when he has JoJo get into these inflatable balls and, I don't know, compete? She hits him and he falls to the ground and I laughed and rewound and watched again. 

Stiffler (Robby) gets his wishing well wish and snags a kiss. James F reads JoJo a poem and I can tell in that moment that his fate has been sealed. Sayonara James. 

Now that Chad is gone we are starting to see that without a common enemy, a lot of the guys are dicks. Alex (who already had a rose) stole JoJo from James. Luke (who already had a rose) stole JoJo from Daniel. The claws are coming out. Luke jumps the gun a bit by telling JoJo he is falling for her. Pump the breaks bro. Jordan and JoJo have their standard make out sesh. 

Rose Ceremony

We hear our first "chopping block" this rose ceremony and I squeal with delight. Hell freezes over and Evan of all people gets the final rose. EVAN you guys. EVAN! JoJo sends Daniel and poet James F. home. Daniel says "well she must be looking for personality because my personality is shit". Spoken like a true male model. 

JoJo tells the guys they are headed somewhere exotic and romantic... Punta Del Este, Uruguay. 

One on One

The first date card arrives and it's for Jordan and everyone. is. pissed. Now without Chad to hate, it's pretty obvious to start hating the guy that could actually win this whole thing. Wells makes an interested comment in his interview saying that Jordan is "just playing the game to get another stamp in his passport" which, truth be told, isn't the worst way to travel. I stayed in a hostel once. I'd rather travel the Bachelor way. The guys mention that the reason Jordan is doing so well is that his first two dates were football dates which, I don't know how, I hadn't really thought about. 

Back at the hotel Vinny has opened up his own barbershop, gossip magazines and all. The guys start to read some article written about JoJo and for whatever reason they all seem to take it as cold hard facts and I am baffled. Do they not know how gossip magazines work?

Jordan tells JoJo that he's falling in love with her and JoJo pulls an ace out of her sleeve and lets him know she met a girl that used to date him and calls him out. When asked "was their cheating" Jordan quickly responds "no". Ehhh... I'm not buying it. Jordan of course snags a rose. As the producers are having JoJo gush about her date and say "I am so happy, I don't think anything could take away this feeling" and then they immediately hand her the gossip magazine where her ex boyfriend (who we all remember from last season, he sent her flowers before her hometown date with Ben... also named Chad of course) slams her to the media. She of course starts crying and I don't know if its because the emotions aren't real or the filler/botox isn't allowing her to cry properly but I'm not really buying it. She decides to address the guys about it and even though they were all SO concerned initially, they are all 100% fine now because, well JoJo cried about it. 

Group Date

So, I don't know if it was supposed to be as funny as I found it to be but, when it showed Jordan and Robby having a spa day while the rest of the guys were on the group date, I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard. 

We see JoJo at the sand dunes looking like tomb raider. Apparently the date is sand dune surfing, sounds... miserable. Evan has his first funny moment yet saying how when he saw what they'd be doing he thought "I'm getting another bloody nose today". Derek starts to feel insecure and it also becomes apparent that Alex hates Derek. Derek's insecurities snag him the group date rose. 

One on One

Robby gets a one on one and when the date card arrives he does his ever popular McConaughey "alright alright alright". Their date gets them into bathing suits and they both are just too perfect for words. They jump off some random cliff that, quite honestly, doesn't look like its meant for jumping off of. Once at the bottom I SWEAR i saw blood all over the rocks at the bottom. I'm telling you this is some sort of like suicide point. Robby has a male model moment and tells JoJo "I'm here for one reason, to find love, and for you". Thats two reasons Robby. One. Two. That's how that works. We find out he had a friend who was going to propose to his girlfriend die in a tragic texting and driving accident and for that reason he lives in the moment and tells JoJo he's falling in love with her. That story is enough to get himself a rose. 

Cocktail Party

Derek starts the night off by pulling Robby, Chase, Alex and Jordan aside to tell them they are like a high school clique which they, of course, do not take well. It is then that we find out there will be no cocktail party, only a rose ceremony and that three guys will be going home. Wells ends up getting the final rose and we see Evan (finally), Grant and Vinny all go home. 

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