Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Puppy Love

Anyone who has ever had a dog knows the crazy, innocent, overwhelming love that a dog can give and, in return, the love that you yourself give back to your dog.
My close friend and roommate Stefana recently lost her childhood dog. Anyone who has ever had to say goodbye to their four-legged friend knows how horribly gut wrenching this can be. In the days following I've hugged my pups a little harder, pet them a little longer and {tried by best} to be more patient. The love of a dog is like no other. They have a way of making you feel like you are the most important person alive. To them, you are the whole world.
Ironically enough, yesterday, I stumbled upon an article about Fiona Apple. She recently had to cancel the South American leg of her tour due to an ailing dog. On her website, she posted a four page handwritten letter explaining the situation.
(If the handwriting is hard to read, I re-wrote the letter below)

It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet.
 I am writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog Janet, and she's been ill for almost two years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now.I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then ,an adult officially - and she was my child.

She is a pit bull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dog fighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight ,or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact.

We've lived in numerous houses, and jumped a few make shift families, but it's always really been the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and to excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all of this, she’s effortlessly joyful and playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago.

She's my best friend and my mother and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.
I can't come to South America. Not now.

When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.
I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That’s why they are so much more present than people.
But I know that she is coming close to point where she will stop being a dog, and instead, be part of everything. She’ll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand.

If I go away again, I’m afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to pick which socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us.

I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love and friendship.

I am the woman who stays home and bakes Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend.

And helps her be comfortable, and comforted, and safe, and important.

Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life, that keeps us feeling terrified and alone.

I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time.

I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.

I need to do my damnedest to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.
 When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel.

And I am asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you. 

Love, Fiona

It is quite possibly the most beautiful thing that I have ever read. She truly captures the bond that a dog and a human share. It's so ironic how things work, how I randomly stumbled upon this just days after Stefana, herself, had the heartbreak of losing a dog. I didn't post this to be a total Debbie Downer. I more so posted this to celebrate the love that we are so blessed to be able to share with such amazing creatures. To the dogs we have had in the past, the dogs we currently have, and the dogs that we have yet to have. Thank you.


(Fiona and Janet Photo Credit)

1 comment:

Stefana said...

Thank you for posting this and for being so supportive.Thank you for celebrating Chiquilon's life, and these beautiful creatures as well.
I miss you Chiquilon. I hope you're up in doggie heaven punking Max and smelling Sasha's butt.

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-Josh Billings

And this one is for you Shea:
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does."
-Christopher Morley

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