Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Gimme Dat Rose: The Bachelorette Recap // Season 12, Episode 3

The time has come for another installment of: Gimme Dat Rose: The Bachelorette Recap
We start episode 3 similarly to the scene in "The Hangover" where they all wake up and have no idea what happened.
We see toilet paper hanging from the trees out front of Bachelor Mansion. Empty glasses everywhere. Everyone looking beat down. What exactly happened at that last rose ceremony? I'm  half expecting Tyson to show up and sing "In the Air Tonight". 
Chad and Daniel are bro-ing out per usual. But wait, what is this... Chris Harrison? What are you doing at the mansion during normal business hours? Oh, to hand deliver a date card of course. I can't tell if CH has lost weight or if I'm just so used to seeing him in a suit that he looks smaller in regular clothes. Chase receives the date card. Meanwhile Derek is wearing his umteenth baseball tee of the season and Chad is of course losing it that the date card wasn't for him.

One on One Date

Chase and JoJo head to a yoga studio because nothing says romantic first date like workout clothes and sweat. As the instructor is explaining what they will be doing the camera shots of her nether region are maybe the most awkward thing I've ever seen on this show, and that's saying a LOT. The more the instructor talks the more I realize she is just Miss Lippy from "Billy Madison". 

Back at the house is yet another Chad workout montage. I'm pretty sure they could cut all the scenes together and have enough footage for a full on work out video. 

Chase and Jojo's date gets even more awkward when she is told to mount him. JoJo lies through her teeth and says "I can honestly say this is the first time I've mounted a guy on a first date". Please JoJo, please. Chase gets a kiss and explains how he and JoJo now have a "solid foundation to grow on" and I'm not sure if he's talking about the date or HIS nether region. 

Group Date

The group date card comes and this group date is even bigger than last weeks, with a whopping twelve guys its more of a field trip than a date. Chad wants to opt out because, well, he doesn't want to be on a date with that many other dudes and while we see where he's coming from, he has already been labeled the villain soooooo... 

The field trip goes to a small community theater of some sort where a woman takes the stage and proceeds to have an orgasm? What is happening? My parents would NOT have signed the permission slip for this field trip. Apparently it's a show about "Sex Talks" where people share their real life experiences. Because nothing says "date" like discussing your sexual history ammiright??? The guys tell their tales and most of them were better/funnier/more entertaining than I'd expected. Evan decides to lead the crusade against the almighty Chad because he's had enough. 
He does so by telling a "cautionary tale" about steroids in which he essentially tells the group that Chad is on them and let me tell ya... Chad no likey. They cross paths after and Chad grabs Evan by the shirt and it rips. It has begun. For his performance, Chad requests a volunteer from the audience and tells JoJo to come down (not exactly how a volunteer works Chad but... whatevs). He decided to show not tell and tries to steal a kiss from Jojo on stage. She of course gives him the cheek because her dozen other boyfriends are watching the whole thing. 

Chad is seeing red and is on a warpath towards Evan. What did Evan expect? You call out the biggest most alpha male guy in the house and expect him not to want to make it his life's mission to terrorize you? Come on Ev. All the hostility has made Daniel turn on Chad... WHO WILL HE WORK OUT WITH NOW?? After punching a door Chad is bleeding and says if he cant lift now he's going to kill someone. Shocking. 

Group Date Cocktail Party

Jordan discusses his previous relationship and JoJo is eating. it. up. Girl is in luuuuuuurve. Evan decides to add insult to injury and boldly asks Chad "Why are you here?". To which every other guy (and me at home) holds their breath and waits to see what happens. Chad stays surprisingly composed and is like...
(Also... side note...I'm convinced that in their Bachelor Mansion "welcome bag" all the guys got the same leather jacket.) Chad refers to the rest of the guys as a "parade of losers" as he's lurking around every corner watching JoJo's one on one time with everyone. Chad finally gets his turn with JoJo while he thinks "You're welcome... here I am". In yet ANOTHER ballsy move by Even, he decided to steal JoJo away form Chad. He proceeds to tattle on Chad to JoJo and gives her the old "him or me" ultimatum. JoJo gives Evan the group date rose after no doubt the producers tell her "lets just see how this plays out". Evan also gets one of the most awkward kisses in Bachelor history. It looked like a brother and sister and I literally cringed. Like the rest of us, Chad is shocked that Evan got the rose, and in the words of Eminem "The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of ya'll and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at all ". He of course speaks up about it and again the rest of the group holds their breath to watch how it plays out. JoJo doesn't like how honest, err, disrespectful Chad is being and the date ends. Alex explains that Chad "wrote a beautiful disaster story" that he is going to DVR and watch over and over again. Chad tells the camera that "No girl on the planet ever choses Evan, for ANYTHING". And while, he does have a point, he's not helping his case. 

I couldn't help but notice the commercial placement while watching. At the end of every commercial break is this new Subway super meaty sub which of course makes us all think about Chad and his deli meat shoveling. 

Things at the house have taken a turn and apparently Derek "doesn't feel safe sleeping in Chad's room" so there is an actual security guard standing guard over a sleeping Chad. WHAT?? 

One on One Date

James Taylor gets the second one on one date of the episode and he's just as cute as he can be. They end up learning to swing dance and are dressed for the occasion. Their instructor must be pushing 100 and I don't know who is sweeter her or James Taylor, I just hope I look like her when I'm her age. As I'm watching I realize James Taylor is the kind of guy you should marry, but you never even go on a second date with. Sad but true. 

Back at the house Daniel and Chad are having a heart to heart while Chad is, no joke, eating a RAW YAM. Daniel is explaining to Chad how bad he looks to everyone else and explains "pretend you're Hitler" to which Chad responds "No. Let's not pretend I'm Hitler". "Ok let's pretend you're Trump... just take it down a notch to like to Mussolini or Bush". 

On their date, James Taylor explains to JoJo how he was teased growing up which scores him a rose and a kiss. 

The Next Day

It becomes clear by the time left in the episode that we won't be getting a rose ceremony in this episode. Chris Harrison shows up to tell the guys that after talking with JoJo there won't be a cocktail party, only a rose ceremony. Of course the guys that didn't get dates this week are freaking out. Then Chris goes on to say "but she wants to spend the day with you so instead of a cocktail party, we are having a pool party". Oh CH....You little trickster you. As soon as I hear the words "pool party" I get excited because I know that means the return of my favorite thing... the mic necklace!
Chris Harrison tries to sneak out because, quite frankly, you know he' thinking...
But, he get's stopped by Evan who proceeds to tattle on Chad. "Excuse me mister... Chad ripped my shirt". I'm embarrassed for Evan and to be honest, anyone who knows him. CH goes to get Chads side of the story which of course is totally different. Chris Harrison tells Chad the best thing to do is "go settle it". To the average person that means go in and squash the beef. To the Chadchelorette, however... THIS. MEANS. WAR. He storms into the house after saying "I'm going to cut everyones legs off, and their arms. Then there will be torsos everywhere that I will throw into the pool". 
We of course are left there with a to be continued, asking ourselves, is the pool party still on? Will torsos be thrown? Will Chad eat deli meat in the pool? Do people actually eat yams raw? Luckily we don't have to wait a week to find out. It should all come to a head tonight in part two of the Chadchelorette two-night-event!

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