Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Gimme Dat Rose: The Bachelorette Recap // Season 12, Episode 4

We start the episode and the Chad saga continues... We again see Chris Harrison drawing the line when it comes to violence in the house and we are left to wait and see what Chad's next move will be. He enters the house and like a kid who was told to apologize, he explains what Chris "wants him to say". He actually remains really calm. Like a little whiny baby Evan interjects "Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology". Chad offers to give him $20 which, tbh I think is a stretch for that Mossimo v-neck.

Pool (Cocktail) Party 

Somehow Chad manages to be the one to greet JoJo at the door which I assumed would cause a major stir but somehow it didn't. There are mic necklaces EVERYWHERE and I'm LOVING it. James F., in an attempt to be funny comes out in a suit and cannonballs into the pool. Is it actually funny? That's debatable. The guys do an adorable synchronized swimming dive wave and in true Evan fashion, he ends up with a nosebleed. ABC of course made it look, in the previews like the nosebleed was from a Chad altercation but no. Synchronized swimming. Jordan and JoJo have some alone time and the two of them seem like they are already a real couple, constantly caressing and JoJo always finds a way to like intertwine herself with him. During Chad's one on one time Evan walks over to steal JoJo away, this kid really is clueless. Chad confronts Derek about their beef. Apparently Derek doesn't feel safe around Chad but when you look at them side by side, they are basically the same size. I'm confused. Chad disses on Derek for watching the Bachelor and somehow they seem to somewhat resolve their issues.

Rose Ceremony

JoJo shows up in a midriff showing gown and I'm not even mad about it. WHY IS SHE SO PERFECT?! Every guy in their side interview are, of course, saying that Chad better not get a rose. He of course gets the final rose and in that moment Alex makes it his mission to not see Chad get another. Sadly Christian, Nick and the beloved Ali are sent home. JoJo excitedly tells the guys to pack their bags because they are leaving the mansion for good but she keeps the location a secret. Where can it be? Europe? The British Virgin Islands?

Namacolin, Pennsylvania 

I'm sorry... WHAT?! The destination is PENNSYLVANIA?! No... just... no. The guys are staying at the Namacolin Woodland Resort. Wanna know how I know? Because they spent a good five minutes of the show like a commercial for the damn place. 

One on One

Luke snags the one on one this week. Their date starts with them mushing through what appears to be a city party. Is that normal? I also notice that it appears JoJo got some leather jackets in her welcome bag as well, she wears two different ones on this date alone. In true Bachelor fashion, there is a hot tub in the middle of nowhere for our couple to disrobe and get into. JoJo was cute as ever when she went to get in and the hot tub was way too hot. Like any lady would, she said "Oh fu*k that's hot! That's SO hot!" and I just love her more. The more I look at Luke, the more he kind of looks like a villain, but the more he talks, the more he seems like a total softy. I can't help but notice though, is it me or do his top teeth seem fake? I dunno... Luke tells JoJo about his football career at Westpoint, his tour in Afghanistan and his friend who was like a "brother to him" being killed in action. He is pulling out all the stops. He of course is awarded with a rose and a private Dan and Shay concert where they awkwardly dance on the stage while a room full of Bachelor fans loose their minds. 

Group Date 

It is made clear there will be a two-on-one date this week which is always a crowd pleaser. Alex says in an interview "I don't want to be on the two on one. The only thing that would make a two on one worse would be a two on one with Chad." So, it's obvious that is what will happen. When the group date card arrives, of course Alex and Chad's names aren't on it. The group date guys are welcomed by Ben Roethlisberger, Brett Keisel and Hines Ward. I'll be honest, I have no idea who these guys are because... football. It's adorable that they all say their wives are fans of the show. JoJo excitedly says "It's not every day my guys get to hang out with pro football legends". Well, Jordan actually might. The date ends up being a football game in which the winning team gets estra time with JoJo. Evan of course struggles during this date because... football. He tries to play off the fact that he gets yet ANOTHER bloody nose on the date. Every time it shows up I just can't help but think he looks like a high school girl wearing her football boyfriends uniform for homecoming. In another trick by ABC, we see James Taylor get elbowed in the face by James S. and there is blood everywhere. The previews of course made it look like there had been a fight. No. Just elbow, face interaction. Every time it shows Evan. The blue team wins the white team heads back to the Nemacolin Woodland Resort. Robby/Stiffler gets the most amount of screen time we have seen yet which includes JoJo essentially promising him a one-on-one date and a pool table makeout sesh. Teachers pet Jordan gets the group date rose. 

Two on One

"Two guys, one rose. One stays. One goes". A rhyme I will likely tell my future children one day. ABC mixed it up this time though with a new little riddle for us. Before the date the tension is palpable between Alex (and basically all the guys in the house actually) and Chad. Chad makes a BOLD move and calls out Jordan "This ends. And when this ends, you think I can't find you? You think I won't go out of my way to go to your house?" Whoa bro... whoa. As Alex is getting ready he literally is dressing like he's going to war with cargo pants, some patriotic socks and literally milliatry boots. I just want to start chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!". On the date Alex of course spends his one on one time talking about Chad and JoJo of course immediately brings it up to Chad. He is pretty honest and doesn't deny the things Alex told her. Chad sneaks a threat in to Alex when he returns and JoJo finally decides enough is enough and sends Chad home. Similar to me at my engagement Chad says "Am I getting pranked right now?". Back at the house, his luggage is taken and the guys proceed to party like its 1999. For real though, where did they even get those party poppers? The best Chad line of all was him saying to the camera "Alex lied, he told her that I threaten people. Now I gotta go find Alex". Literally in the same breath as saying he doesn't threaten people... he THREATENS people. Oh Chad. He then starts to wonder through the dark forest whistling like some creepy campfire ghost story and he shows up back at the Nemacolin Woodland Resort. The guys all loose their shit of course and the "to be continued..." appears and we all loose our shit. To add insult to injury... the next episode isn't for TWO WEEKS.... WHAT?! And if that's not bad enough... I had just made some Bachelorette stickers for my planner and had already put on on next Monday! #whitegirlproblems

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