Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Gimme Dat Rose: The Bachelorette Recap // Season 12, Episode 1

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I have become a bit of a Bachelor super fan. It all began when my best friend Danica and I lived together after college down in Belmont Shore. We got hooked on a few shows together, The Bachelor/Bachelorette being one of them. We loved picking our favorite contestants, pausing to discuss all the drama and getting really excited when those pauses gave the perfect still shot of someone in the least flattering way.

Eventually our interest in the show lead to what is now in its third season... our fantasy draft. Thanks to Becca and Jorie over at Bach Fantasy it's SUPER easy. It all started with the controversial Britt/Kaitlyn season of the Bachelorette, where the bachelors themselves chose who they wanted as their Bachelorette. That, along with Nick showing up midway through the season, threw some kinks in our points but it was fun nonetheless.

Since then our league has grown and we now even have players in three different states, spreading across three different time zones!

After seasons of Danica and I saying we should do it (AND the fact that Betches didn't have their recap posted), I am going to attempt to do recaps for every episode this season. Now, don't get me wrong, they won't be in depth or insightful... it will be a culmination of my snap judgments and conversations had with my bestie and the rest of the league. Please excuse the length but as you may or may not know, night one is shit show (in the best way possible).

Let's begin, shall we?
We start with the obligatory solo shots of JoJo and her discussing her Ben heartbreak. Jojo is by far the most attractive Bachelorette in AWHILE... possibly EVER and yet they have the makeup caked on pretty thick... once she's in her bikini though, no one is looking at her face anyways and, is it just me or do her boobs look even bigger since last season?
JoJo sits down with past Bachelorettes Kaitlyn, Ali and Desiree, Ali who by the way is no longer with her final pick and is knocked up by none other than the spawn of KIIS FMs Valentine in the morning, but don't worry... he proposed (after they announced her pregnancy). Kaitlyn looks like she hasn't eaten since her season wrapped.
We begin seeing some of the eligible bachelors and while Grant's package shows him as a firefighter... his instagram account says he's a model sooooo...
Jordan is hot and I immediately regret not drafting him on my fantasy team (I had first pick this season after all!).
Alex is cute but too short  to be taken seriously (and I can say that... because I'm short). Is it just me or does his twin brother seem more proportionate?
Then our "Bachelor Super Fan" James, he is on my team and I can't tell if he's kidding or not. If he's kidding, he's hilarious and I love him... if he's not, he may need to seek psychological help. And like... does he have an ACTUAL occupation? The jury is still out on that one...
Evan... quite a career path change... he was a pastor and now he's an erectile dysfunction specialist? And all these weird sexual innuendos... I can't.
Ali I immediately love, he's not even on my team and I'm still rooting for him. He has a white baby grand piano which is my dream. Do I play? Of course not, I just like the way they look. There is something about him that seems so sweet and fun. I'm team Ali.
Christian is on my team and although his racist family history story is heartbreaking... I feel some points coming from this so bring it on!
Luke reminds me of  Matthew Lawrence who I've been in love with since first seeing him in Mrs. Doubtfire so, he's alright in my book. I'm starting to notice a pattern with the military men... does JoJo date exclusively military?

I like how the producers strategically placed all of the non-gimmick contestants in the first few limos so that when the gimmick-ers started rolling in the hate was palpable.

This is when we see the teaser for Jake Pavelka and Bachelor Nation in unison screams "NOOOOOOO" at their TVs.
Chris Harrison pops in to say hello and act shocked when JoJo tells him she's soooooo nervous. Also, Chris, you've been doing this show for what, DECADES?? Don't get your hair cut the day before shooting... give it a few days. Come on. What are you, new?

JoJo of COURSE looks fricken awesome in that flesh colored bodysuit of a dress. It almost makes me want to put down my beer and start doing sit ups... I said ALMOST.
Robby will henceforth be referred to as Stifler because, I mean, look at him.
Daniel has an awkward intro.
Will looks like a mix of Nick Swardson and the big brother from Home Alone... ammiright???

James Taylor is on my team and I'm considering myself lucky. A sweet country boy with a guitar and a southern drawl? Yes please!
Jonathan gets out of the limo in a kilt and I think to myself, "ok.... hear him out". He explains that he's half Chinese and half Scottish. Ok Jonathan... you shall pass. Then he proceeds to note that his bottom half is Scottish and he's not wearing any panties. Get back in the limo Jonathan. The other bachelors find the kilt to be ABSURD like he walked in wearing his flesh inside out. First of all... that's kind of how this show works, are you unfamiliar? One season a bachelorette showed up on night one in a WEDDING DRESS and, if memory serve correctly, she was the RUNNER UP that season. A kilt is not that crazy. Also... you're kind of being culturally insensitive to my Scottish brethren. Chill.
Then comes the Santa suit... ok that's a little more absurd BUT his name IS Nick and he's not the only Nick, kudos to linking your name to your get up Saint Nick.
Then they breeze through some other contestants like Brandon whose occupation is listed as "Hipster" in his bio and he begins to recite the hipster creed "I don't even have a TV so I have no idea who you are". Brandon, you could meet strangers anywhere... why come on a TV show to compete with 25 other guys to do so?
Daniel begins to spiral as at least one contestant always does on night one. It's never good to hear "I'm not really a drinker". Oh so you don't usually drink? And now you're at an awkward cocktail party that lasts until dawn? Greeeeeeeat. Let us also note that his occupation is listed as "Male Model", I think just "Model" would have sufficed Daniel but that's just the Derek Zoolander in you "Oh the files are IN the computer". SMH
Wells is cute and looks like a taller version of Chris Carrabba so I approve. Bringing an acapella group? I'll allow it.
The non gimmick bachelors are quickly forming a gang against the gimmick wielding bachelors and I'm just hoping for an Anchorman fight scene reenactment. "No commercials... NOOOO MERCYYY!!"
How quickly these gimmick haters have forgotten... JoJo came out of the limo in a unicorn mask, thus, a lover of gimmicks she must be.

Did douchey Chad just have the best Freudian slip ever televised "Her breast... dress was amazing".

Derek is on my team and his self proclaimed dorkiness is not doing me any favors.
Jordan pulls WAY ahead and I feel like I'm back watching Britt cast her spell on Chris all over again.

It soon becomes unclear whether its James Taylor or Will with the fortune teller. It is also unclear if he's about to do something cute or creepy. Oh, demanding a kiss? Creepy. Great. Glad we cleared that up. Oh... and JoJo calls him Will... both quandaries have been cleared up.

Jordan just couldn't live with himself if he didn't get that kiss so he goes back for seconds, gets his kiss and America collectively "awwwww"s. Damn, why didn't I draft you Jordan?!

Daniel starts poking belly buttons and his downward spiral continues.

The first impression rose enters and all bachelor buttholes pucker. In the talks of the first impression rose and it's importance someone says "Olivia got the first impression rose... and she got left on an island". Touche.

Daniel has now stripped down to his VERY small underwear and has dove into the pool. He has officially gone full Canadian.

Fast forward to rose ceremony and just when you had forgotten, Jake Pavelka exits the limo. I am literally holding my breath. Jake does not deserve this goddess of a Bachelorette, there must be some sort of mis-understand. And as I'm yelling at JoJo to stop talking to him I realize ABC has pulled a fast one on me, Jake is a "close family friend"? And he's just there to tell her he hopes she finds love? WHAT kind of HORSESHIT is this?! Not cool ABC... NOT COOL.

Rose ceremony commences some of the obvious choices stay, some of the obvious choices go (except Daniel, wtf, he was drunk and essentially naked, but then again, in Bachelor Nation that's like immunity).

Somehow ALL FIVE of my draft picks are still intact. I know that won't last long so I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

The preview for the rest of the season looks awesome as always. You better not be tricking us ABC... this better ACTUALLY be the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER!!!
*All Bachelorette photos property of ABC*

1 comment:

Jen | Something Turquoise said...

Bahahahahaha! I don't watch the bachelorette but now I might have to! This is freaking hilarious... I love your passion :-)