Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Gimme Dat Rose: The Bachelorette Recap // Season 12, Episode 2

Well, from the looks of things... from here on out we should probably just refer to the show as "The Chadchelorette". It took all of one episode to take a hard right onto the exit to Chad Town. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. Meat shoveling and phrases like "I always say stay away from nice guys" are the whole reason I watch the show.

Let's begin...
We start yet again with JoJo discussing her Ben heartbreak and calling this experience of becoming the Bachelorette a "dream come true". Call me crazy but my dream doesn't involve being dumped on national television but... to each their own.

Then we head back to the Bachelor mansion where they guys are huddled for a toast with their morning mimosas #brunchsohard. It quickly takes a turn when Chad so eloquently toasts "Beautiful girl, beautiful life, Fu*k you guys, Imma make her my wife".

Group Date

The date card arrives and I lose count of how many guys are on it. It ended up being a nice intimate group of ten. Immediately after receiving the date card it's like bombs over Baghdad and we start hearing explosions, the guys run out front to see a limo on fire. Gee ABC... that's where we're at? Really? Burning Limos? Of course JoJo rolls up in a firetruck to put it out (in slow motion no less) and all I can think is... aren't we still in a drought in California? WAY too many guys use obvious lines including "hot" and "on fire" and the fire date continues...
Meanwhile back at the house we see Chad organizing his suitcase of protein powder. Yes, an ENTIRE SUITCASE of protein powder. Just when you catch your breath from laughing about how meathead-y that is... he CHAINS the suitcase to his waist and starts doing PULL UPS with it dangling between his legs. You can't make this shit up. 

Back to the Group Date

All the group date guys are now at Rio Hondo Fire Academy with JoJo to compete for her, I mean find "true love". Of the ten guys, one of them (Grant) is an ACTUAL firefighter sooooo, he's gunna win this right? Long story short, he does, snags a kiss, Wells almost dies because he obviously doesn't fight fires in his down time and somewhere in there Daniel says "The last time I pulled a hose like this was back home, at my apartment." No Daniel, just... no. Luke was the runner up in the "save the fair maiden from the burning building" exercise and his "smoldering" look turns to borderline murder-y but... then he gets a kiss and it's all good. Wells gets the group date rose because... well, pity  (and that's when I realize he looks exactly like the kid from "Fear the Walking Dead" (with a haircut).

One on One

Date card arrives for the one on one date and it's for Derek! He's on my team so I'm obviously elated. It ends up being a date of "choices". First choice sky or sea... they choose sky, north or south, they choose north, they end up at a picnic overlooking the Golden Gate bridge. The idea behind the date was cute but my mind ended up racing thinking of all the possibilities of all the other date choices and I got a little distracted. JoJo is very adament about asking every guy about their past relationships and I'm reminded about the past relatinoship she had that ending up sending her roses during last season. Derek gets a kiss after weirdly saying his ex had maybe cheated?

Back at the House

James Taylor is heading up the guys in singing a song about JoJo like they are at sleepaway camp rehearsing for the talent show. It's cute to see all the guys hanging out and getting along though, so I approve. But guess who does NOT approve... The Chadchelorette of course. He wants no part in singing to a girl he barely knows, he also has a very strict "stay away from nice guys" policy, as most villains do. He makes some reference about making a protein shake with the rest of the guys in the house that I'm not sure anyone really understood but I think the real purpose was to make sure everyone knows, Chad likes him some protein shakes. WE GET IT CHAD.  

Group Date

It's time for another group date, this time with a smaller group of six. This leaves three guys this week date-less (spoiler alert... two of those three go home). The guys end up at ESPN where Jordan is quick to namedrop his brother (Aaron Rodgers for those of you who are behind), and I start to feel like this date will have an unfair advantage like the fireman at the firefighter challenge... turns out, nope. This is also where we get a glimpse at just HOW short Alex is. 
Poor guy. Chad proceeds to call JoJo "naggy" while the rest of the guys on the date gasp. He continues to become more cold and distant and JoJo is eating. it. up. What is it about the bad boys? Somehow these sports announcers (No idea who they are because...well... sports) rank the top three contenders as follows: James Taylor, Chad and Alex. In Jordans interview discussing being upset that Chad did so well, all I can think is... I wonder how he gets so much volume in that hair. 

Later at the cocktail portion of the group date James Taylor reads this adorably sweet poem to JoJo that makes her cry and we all know... she definitely won't be picking him, but he gets a kiss none the less. Alex and JoJo have their alone time in a giant chair which makes Alex look even tinier with his legs swinging. Cold ABC, cold. 

Chad comes out guns blazing with the one two punch, puppy AND dead mom in the same breath! Obviously his mom passing away is heartbreaking but the way he almost fished to talk about it by bringing up the puppy he "inherited" was odd. JoJo awards his heartbreak with a kiss. 

James Taylors tear jerking note gets him the group date rose.

Cocktail Party

Chad, like a creep, is waiting out front for JoJo to arrive with a white wine in hand for her. They go for a walk, he snags a kiss and they enter the mansion. Every guy in the house immediately wants to murder Chad. I don't think what he did was really wrong, I mean... he's playing the game! (Don't get me wrong... I still think he's a total tool.) He is immediately confronted and lies while shoveling insane amounts of deli meat in his mouth. I literally wrote in my notes "Chad is taking meathead to a whole new level". Grant proceeded to say the exact same thing. I mean, he is literally chewing during the rose ceremony. Will pulls JoJo aside to toilet paper the front of the mansion... want to guess if he ends up with a rose?

Rose Ceremony

Alex gets the first rose of the night and Chad says JoJo picked him because "she doesn't want America to think she hates short people". Man Chad, leaving no villain stone unturned. JoJo gives roses to some questionable choices and leaves the final rose for The Chadchelorette himself. James S., Brandon and Will all get the axe and I lose my first team member, the Bachelor Superfan. You will be missed James, you will be missed.

Join me next week as I recap the TWO NIGHT EVENT happening week three for no apparent reason. Oh... and if you haven't seen the photos that the Daily Mail dug up of a young JoJo... I suggest you go look... NOW.
*All Bachelorette photos property of ABC*

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